Firstly, I'm not ready to get back with you especially if getting back with you would mean I'm essentially saying if all goes well I definitely want long term stuff like getting married.I think it was asking too much to expect marriage, moving in together, mortgage, other financial commitment when I was still in uni. My life is crammed full of trying to get everything done, do everything I can to make sure I have good chances of getting a job when I graduate etc. I know I said it'd be ok but I didn't know how much work uni was. I'm still unsure if I could ever live with my partner at least not in the sharing all space arrangement. Maybe living near each other or separate bedrooms would be do-able.

I'm not of a mind to break up with Graham. I think he's good for me and he keeps me out of too much trouble (I know you'll see that as ironic). Only thing is I'm scared of getting too close with him or ending up wanting to stay with him long-term because that'd mean I couldn't be with you. I'm still torn.

I still love you so much! I miss you! But I don't know how to reconcile being so in love with two people :(

I'm still confused about what I want but I miss what we had so much. I still hope we'll end up together again but could you really take me back? Could we adapt to how we both have changed?

I'm improving I think. In the last couple of weeks I've felt less down and hopeless and have cried a lot less. Not sure whether it's from not speaking to you (or rather not having so much tension to deal with, I do still miss you and there have been times when I've been so upset I've almost given in and contacted you). Am still panicky going out though. Went to RockSoc this evening but was really nervous and unconfident :(

Interview today at Milliken Airbags in Bury. I wish I could talk to you about it. I miss you :(

The guilt I was feeling is starting to subside. I still feel disappointed with myself for being so weak and mourn losing something so special but without you constantly reminding me how much I hurt you I'm beginning to heal a little. Actually, I'm not sure guilt is the right word because you know what I did. Maybe remorse? I don't know, I'm not good with words when I'm so tired!

It's not because I'm not thinking about you, because I still do think about you every day, but i've been so unbelievably busy this past week. Same next week too.

I don't think anyone except you understands :(

I still feel like I'm cheating now because I have to be so careful not to mention things involving Graham even if there's only a tenuous link. Feel like there are many more secrets now than when we were together! At least then I could tell you everything even if it was stuff that upset you :(

It was the Emilie Autumn gig last night in Manc. I didn't get to go because it sold out - so glad I went with you! I often think about the morning after EA in Nottingham. How you let me clamber into bed with you and took me back into your arms. I felt accepted and safe again. I'm scared you'll never want to see me again :(

I've also been thinking about the girl issue. I think the main things holding me back now are not wanting people to know I'm bi because I'm ashamed of it and being totally clueless as to how to act! Also it doesn't help that I really can't tell who's not straight!

Seeing the kitten stuff n your FB makes me smile. The kitten obsession was always awesome, I'm just afraid to mention kittens now for fear of upsetting you. I really miss being kittenous.